When I say I want to die. That’s not what I mean. I mean I want life to improve. But to feel so hopeless and stuck, and believing that with you being you there is no way change for the better is on the cards, is agonizing. That is why I want to die. Because I have been living through hell for years and with every bad choice I make my demons become deeper and deeper rooted. I know people think suicide is selfish and cowardly but I feel I have been a fighter for long enough and I am losing the battle. I feel like the biggest failure. I can’t live with myself anymore. I am so fat. Now, I know being fat in itself is no reason to end your life. I know that thousands of people live very happy lives being overweight, but for me the word fat has come to mean so much more than a layer of adipose tissue surrounding your muscle or a body mass index of over 25. For me, “fat” is my code for everything I don’t like about myself. How I look, my personality, my past, my decisions, my relationships. Everything that makes up me. I do not like a single thing about myself. And yes, I do believe I look overweight and, I can hold handfuls of wobbly flab when I grab any part of my body but that’s not all I mean when I say being “fat” is all I can think about. To me “fat” signifies a loss of control and for me being out of control is one of the worst ways to live. When you are not controlling yourself, anyone can do anything to you. It’s happened before and ruined my life. I am not prepared for it to happen again.
I do want to die. I do. It’s my every thought at the moment. But I also really don’t. I don’t know. Everything is so hard. And I wish I was good at expressing myself because I have so many thoughts and feeling and emotions and explanations but I just can’t do them justice when I attempt to put them into words.
Life in 5 years time still living with an ED
I am now 24. 5 years ago I would have never thought me eating disorder could rob me of anything else. But as I have carried on living (if you can call it that) with the terrible illness I truly have nothing left. I am in such a bad place that I wish every day for it to rob me of life. I have let everyone down by not recovering. The chain of events that followed me first developing an eating disorder has become a never ending cycle: restricting and losing weight, bingeing and purging constantly, restricting heavily again, becoming so frail I have to be hospitalised, getting sectioned, being admitted to inpatient and tube fed to gain weight, coming home a healthy weight unable to cope and attempting to end my life then bingeing and bingeing and bingeing. Anorexia gets so mad after a while of the bingeing and at me losing control and gaining more weight I start to restrict and lose weight again. I never wanted this life. I thought all that would be a phase of my teenage years, but no. It’s all continued into my adulthood. I tried to go to university to fulfill my dream of becoming a children’s nurse but I struggled to live on my own. I made no friends because I isolated myself completely and my eating disorder and depression consumed me completely. I was in and out of hospital and eventually came home where things didn’t really improve. My relationships with my family are so bad you can hardly say a relationship exists. They hate me and everything I have done to the family. Self-harm has now been a constant issue in my life for 16 years, I do not have an inch of my body not covered in scars. I am still at war with my body. Unable to look in the mirror without breaking down. I have not stayed the same clothes size for more than a month in years. My weigh yo-yo as I seem to always be restricting or bingeing. I hate my body and it seems to hate me back. I have liver damage from overdoses, I get infections frequently, and I am always feeling dizzy and lightheaded. I am constantly experiencing aches and pains and my blood test and ECG results are never good. I am on so much medication I rattle like a pill box and my schedule is dictated by appointments that I don’t even engage in anymore. Any hope I once had of recovering and inspiring others to do the same is gone. I am not an inspiration to anyone. I may have succeeded at anorexia but that is succeeding in self destruction to the grave. And the grave is the only place that wants me now, which doesn’t feel such a bad thing when you look at my life.
Life in 5 years time having recovered from ED
You know how I always want to say that I am an inspiration to someone. Well I think I can finally say it. I am recovered from my eating disorder now. I eat when I’m hungry, stop when I’m full, give myself treats, eat in front of other people, go to restaurants, I don’t see food just as a certain number of calories and best of all I don’t see food as the enemy. I learnt 5 years ago that the only weight I needed to shed was the weight parked heavily on my shoulders that screamed constantly I should not exists because of my size. And I have never looked back. I mean, who made me believe the most valuable part of me was my negative space. I am free. I went to university and studied children’s nursing. I now AM a children’s nurse. I work in an adolescent mental health unit. My own experiences help me so much and I love every minute of it. When I share my experiences people always say that are inspired and that I help them. I worked so hard in the therapy I was having that despite what I have been through in the past I can now have relationships with boys. I am in a committed relationship now and we talk of marriage and a family. I haven’t moved far from home as I would miss my family too much. I love them and best of all I feel loved by them. I have an amazing relationship again with all my family and we have put behind us the dark days of mental illness. They are proud of me and it feels so good. I have so many friends, real honest friends who can support me if I ever find things hard. But mostly I just enjoy supporting them and not being the one with more issues than vogue! My life is not ruled by appointments it’s ruled by a job I love and a social life I can throw myself into. I help people now, and it’s what I love to do. I inspire people to recover as I have. Life is good and the main thing is I want life to continue.